Programming Humor

Totally Gridbag

I saw this animation at a programming conference, humorously approaching the challenges in working with some of the layout managers in Java. It does have a couple swear words in it, so if you are easily offended, or your boss is going to look at you funny if they hear this coming out of your computer speakers on your lunch break, don't say I didn't warn you ;-).

Who is the Better Programmer?

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the Judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset and cries, "I have nothing, I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then, " says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pours forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is Intact! How did he do it?"

God Chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus Saves."

C More or Less

New Subject Oriented Programming Language
C+- (pronounced "C more or less")
Unlike C++, C+- is a subject oriented language.  Each C+- class instance,
known as a subject, holds hidden members, known as prejudices or
undeclared preferences, which are impervious to outside messages, as well
as public members known as boasts or claims.  The following C operators
are overridden as shown:
    >     better than
    <     worse than
    >>    much better than
    <<    forget it
    !     not on your life
    ==    comparable, other things being equal
C+- is a strongly typed language based on stereotyping and self-righteous
logic.  The Boolean variables TRUE and FALSE (known as constants in less
realistic languages) are supplemented with CREDIBLE and DUBIOUS, which
are fuzzier than Zadeh's traditional fuzzy categories.  All Booleans can
be declared with the modifiers strong and weak.  Weak implication is said
to "preserve deniability" and was added at the request of the D.O.D. to
ensure compatability with future versions of Ada.  Well-formed falsehoods
(WFFs) are assignment-compatible with all booleans.  What-if and why-not
interactions are aided by the special conditional evenifnot X then Y.
C+- supports information hiding and, among friend classes only, rumor
sharing.  Borrowing from the Eiffel lexicon, non-friend classes can be
killed by arranging contracts.  Note that friendships are intransitive,
volatile, and non-Abelian.
Single and multiple inheritance mechanisms are implemented with random
mutations.  Disinheritance rules are covered by a complex probate
protocol.  In addition to base, derived, virtual, and abstract classes,
C+- supports gut classes.  In certain locales, polygamous derivations and
bastard classes are permitted.  Elsewhere, loose coupling between classes
is illegal, so the marriage and divorce operators may be needed:
    marriage (MParent1, FParent1);
    //child classes can now be derived
    sclass MySclass:  public MParent1, FParent1
    {           //    define MySclass
    sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
    // illegitimate
    divorce (MParent1, FParent1);
    marriage (MParent1, FParent2);
    sclass YourSclass: public MParent1, FParent2
    {   //   OK now
Operator precedence rules can be suspended with the directive #pragma
dwim, known as the "Do what I mean" pragma.  ANSIfication will be firmly
resisted.  C+-'s slogan is "Be Your Own Standard."


Top Ten Ways to Get Fired (not recommended ;-))

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being
    considered for a big promotion.  Day two: Spread a rumor that the
    promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
 9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it
    doesn't mix well with thorazine."

 8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket.
    Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and
    whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff;
    who needs white-out?'

 7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water
    and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work
    space.  Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in
    an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time
    employees spend away from their desks.

 6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by
    taking off one minute out of every 25.  Spend all your time 'planning'
    your vacations.

 5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's

 4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday.  When you see a
    pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly

 3. Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party.  Dress like a pirate
    every other day of the year as well.

 2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The
    Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the
    Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of
    Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

 1. Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.

You Know Your Game is in Trouble When...


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